30 weeks and thankful

Today I am 30 weeks, and I'm looking forward to seeing Isaac again next Wednesday.  I'm enjoying his kicks and stretches and wiggles even though it makes my ribs hurt.  Some days I believe he's going to survive and I imagine him growing up and I believe he'll thrive and I'm really excited.  And then other days I'm just sad.  I worry about not bringing him home and having to plan a funeral and it is all very overwhelming.  I read blogs and stories of babies who survive against much greater odds and I am uplifted.  Then there are stories of babies who make it but go on to battle hydrocephalus or reherniations or scoliosis and it breaks my heart.  And then there are the ones that live only a few days or weeks and never go home.  No one should have to plan on a 50% chance of a funeral soon after the birth of their baby.  It is true that no one on earth has a 100% chance of survival and this week has been testament to that.  However, you generally know that your loved ones will be safe each day, otherwise it would be hard to function. After losing Angie (which my doctors assured me was a "fluke"), I thought we would be okay.  I took the high doses of folic acid to prevent another neural tube defect, we did all the testing, and thought we were in the clear.  And now we are left with another "fluke" and I wonder if my healthy pregnancy was actually the fluke. 

So at times like these when I am overwhelmed with anxiety and sadness, I try to remember all that I'm thankful for in this world.  I'm thankful for:

My wonderful husband Brian, who cooks amazing food, takes good care of us, helps around the house, does the yard work, comes to every appointment, works hard all day, and when I ask him, "do you think Isaac will survive?" he always replies, "yes".  Love that man.

Nathan, for comedic relief, snuggles and hugs, kisses and all the "love you mama"s.  He also reminds me of all the true crisises in life, like when your pacifier falls out and gets dirty, or you drop your cracker on the floor and Chessie eats it.  He also reminds me there is such a thing as an easy naïve pregnancy.

Chessie, for all the snuggles, and for not minding at all if I cry in her fur, just so long as I keep rubbing her belly. 

My Mom and Dad and Jen, for the constant support.  Mom watches Nathan and picks him up from school and takes him to The Little Gym.  I couldn't do it without her.  Jen is always willing to come visit if we need it, even though she's in Virginia.  Family is a wonderful thing!

Brian's parents, Beth and Fred, who are so supportive and kind.  They run their own business and still make time to come visit us.  They raised 3 wonderful kids, including raising my Brian to be a man who loves and takes care of his family and I hope I can raise Nathan just as well. 

All of our aunts and uncles and grandparents and cousins who remind us how lucky we are to have such a wonderful family.

My friends and neighbors who read my blog and write kind comments and check up on me. 

The doctors and nurses at Medical City Dallas.  30% of the time, CDH is not detected until after birth.  If a baby with CDH is born at a hospital that does not have a level 3 NICU or an ECMO machine or the many specialists to treat them, they have to be transferred to another hospital, and just that transfer at a critical time can take their life.  So as much agony this diagnosis has brought us, I am truly thankful to know in advance and be ready. 

I'm thankful for my office and coworkers who are all very supportive and keep me busy.

I'm thankful for the Breath of Hope foundation, especially Elizabeth, who sent me an amazing box full of gifts.  I've been emailing her back and forth for weeks now and she has provided a lot of comfort and talked me off the ledge several times.  Just look at all this amazing stuff they sent!  They send a box to every family facing this scary diagnosis.

 

Receiving blankets and a hat, a camera and a plaster kit to make hand prints,

a book for Nathan, a diary, and a whole packet of information.  And these adorable socks!

 

 

Socks for Surgery provides socks for babies because that is all they can wear during surgery.



So I try to remember I am not alone.  Some people say to me, "God only gives you what you can handle."  (He must think I'm Chuck-Norris-tough)  But I don't believe that, I think God gives you more than you can handle so you're forced to seek out the kindness and love of others.  Thank you all for reading my blog and following our journey.